The announcement that Starbucks and Hyatt Hotels will be withdrawing the plastic straws by 2020 has been met with horror and dismay by the worm community. 

There is always another side to every story.  When we are presented with only one view, we see the world in its finest duality, creating distance between our fellow human beings.

Animal rights group meetings in secret, in universities and colleges throughout the world,  are working hard to formulate a response to the good intentions of the environmental movement to eradicate the plastic drinking straw. In contrast, the plastic bottle and the 6 pack plastic holder are notorious pollutants of water and land.  Particularly the 6 pack plastic holder has caused irreparable harm to marine mammals.   It is well known that the 6 pack hold’s plastic resembles jellyfish and light reflecting off of fish scales, luring a feeding response. It is equally well studied that bright pink fluorescent pigments to the plastic would significantly reduce the feeding response.

The plastic straw has taken on an evolutionary role in the habitable domestic earthworm, an endangered species in North America.  With the introduction of the Asian earthworm eatausallius, a parasitic invasive species brought to North American on sailing ships, native earthworms have been all but entirely displaced.

The potential salvation of the domestic earthworm population, so far, has been the earthworm’s adaptation to the usage of plastic straws as a breeding, sanctuary, and temporary home.  Ideal in structure, the plastic straw ranging in aperture from the swizzle stick to the coffee stirrer, to the narrow gauge straws used in bar and upscale eateries, to the standard size soft drink straw going up to the super end big gulp straw provides the ideal environment for the growth and development of the North American earthworm population.

Dr. R.U Reel, the well-published expert from the University of Southwest Northern Michigan, has stated in the EW international Symposium back in 1989 that habitat evolutionary adaptation of the domestic earthworm to the usage of tools is remarkable and encouraging.  Dr. Reel has written extensively about the difficulty of government agencies address this problem that is both unique and evolutionary.  The government wants to look at everything in terms of absolutes; it is either good or bad.   In the case of the earthworm, bad is good, and none is terrible.  Dr. Reel admits this is a hard concept to wrap your head around.

At Dr. Reel’s office, plastic straws are at the centerpiece of his earthworm breeding, recycling, and reintroduction program.  With reintroduction sites planned throughout North American, Dr. Reel’s carefully detailed rollout of adapted earthworms may be derailed by the well-meaning but short-sighted vision of the environmental movement.

Dr. Reel is currently living in an aqua – environment adjacent to the hot water volcanic vents in the central Pacific, studying the microhabitat of the sulfur feeding tube worms.  In his recent video conference to his 15,000 worm enthusiasts, Dr. Reel announced preliminary findings that his research had uncovered worm technologies that can reverse the carbon accumulations in the atmosphere bonding sulphuric, carbon into a rubber-like substance that generated energy in movement and is resistant to abrasive wear, potentially perfect for electrical car tires.  As Dr. Reel states, you can reduce greenhouse gases and generate electricity by driving your vehicles, a perfect symbiosis of a problem begetting a solution without human habit changing.

When Dr. Reel was informed of the human withdrawal of straw-based worm habitat, he was deeply saddened.  Fortunately, his staff and assistants have a stockpile of 107 million straws sufficient for the first phase of introduction in Vermont and Massachusetts.

Dr. Reel suggests that everyone ought to take their straws to a park, lawn, or public square and plant a straw for the time being.  This is best done by first boring a simple aperture hole at a depth of 1-inch longer than the host straw. That is all you have to do.  Ideally, the soil/earth should be wettened before straw planting.  And as Dr. Reel always says, nature will take its course, and remarkable adaptations will occur.  It is the perfect human participation, plant it and forget it.

In an interview before the release of this article, Dr. Reel was informed that a straw, straw replacement may be available. He stated that that would be ideal as long as the structural integrity of the straw holds its shape for at least 93 days of the maturation cycle for the North American earthworm.

Unfortunately, Dr. Reel’s satellite connection was curtained by the pending onset of the super typhoon in the mid-Pacific. Before Dr. Reel’s sign-off, he implored his students to look for alternatives to the plastic straw as he noted that something would go amiss when a man decides to do something regardless of the expected and best intentions.  As often cited, the North American Bison and the carrier pigeon are prime examples of things that go wrong and are short-sighted.

As a sidelight, Dr. Reel’s semi-submersible habitat is designed to weather storms of super typhoon strength and waves of 127 feet in height.

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July 22, 2018